Dammit, every fucking time I think I've progressed, something happens and I feel like I've been pushed a step back.

My birthday is coming up. The damn thing lands on Thanksgiving this year, but I'm going to celebrate it this Saturday with a few friends, fun huh? Yeah of course, but...

I just found out the guy who drop kicked my heart is coming into town next month for a show...gerrrrreat. Who plays an out of town show in December? It's like death because of the holidays. I hadn't planned on having to see him the rest of the year. I didn't want to see him till I was 100% over this mess, which I'm obviously not or else I wouldn't be writing about it.

I feel like a fucking retard. I should've been done with this months ago...actually I almost was until I got the emails that stirred up my feelings again, thus another setback. I think whoever is running my brain needs to take a walk downstairs and visit the person who's running my heart because apparently Conductor Cupid is slacking on the wrong job..

There's nothing worse than still having feelings for a person who is COMPLETELY and utterly over you. Where is Brandon Boyd when I need him geez..

My frame of mind isn't happy or angry. I just really don't want to deal with it, I don't want to deal with him being nice, mean, bi-polar, skippy, whatever. I don't care what his mood is, I just don't want to deal with any of it. Why do I have to? Well cuz a close friend of mine is part of the show too. But I'm considering not going at all...

How easy we forget...
Hallelujah, one problem almost solved!

Wow I'm really getting back into this livejournal thing..

So I was talking to a friend of mine a few days ago. I had admitted to him that I wasn't fully over a certain someone, he had some insight on the situation and when we got off the phone I thought, what an idiot I am, I KNOW how to do this! I know how to get over this guy, why have I wasted months pining over him?

Most of the relationships I've been in over the past years have pretty much fizzled out, there was no getting over anything, the relationships had run their course and I was ready for them to end. But with the most recent situation, my feelings were at their peak and only getting stronger when he pulled the plug, so there I was just standing there not wondering what to do. If I should just let go, or fight for something that I thought was special, or just give him his space. The decision left me in an emotional limbo.

However I was focusing on what he used to be and how I hoped things would work out, not the reality. The reality is simple, WORDS. Words are something I can never forgive. I've been nothing but caring, honest and sincere to this person. I tried to be understanding and give as much space as I could. Maybe I gave too much space and he felt I didn't care, who knows. I'll never know what went wrong. Curiousity definitely gets me sometimes, but in this case it's like UGH whatever who cares. But again, it had been so long since I really had to get over someone that I had almost forgotten how to go about doing it.

Now it feels like I have a cold that I just can't shake. I got over the worst part and it's like there's just this remnant sniffle that just won't go away. In talking with my friend I remembered how to make it go away. It's very Pavlovian actually.

Why is it hard for people to get over someone? Because they focus on the good that's why. If people consistantly focused on the bad, then it would make the "getting over" process alot easier, which is what I'm doing now, and may I just say it's a breath of fresh air!

Once you start getting pissed off and angry about the bad things instead of crying is when you know the process is working. Sure it's hard cuz u always want to remember the good things, u don't want to hate someone you hold close to your heart. The best thing to do is put those happy memories aside, until you're strong enough to handle them. They'll always be there, and never be forgotten. The idea is that those memories will be there for you and you can look back on them once you're strong enough. In my experience though, the reality is when you're strong enough is when you're completely over the person, and when you're over the person you arn't going to give two shits about those memories, especially when they're with someone who deliberately hurt you.

I usually think astrology is a bunch of horseshit, but one thing I've consistantly read about my sign (Sagittarius) is that we're excellent self healers, I must say I agree with this wholeheartedly, no heart pun intended. :)

What is real..
During the last couple of weeks, I've become reacquainted with some old school friends I haven't hung out with in a while, now after seeing all the high school drama that they deal with, I remember why I had originally pulled myself from that scene.

Someone I cared for who I thought wasn't like that actually pulled some of that nonsense on me and I had to sever ties with him. I haven't dealt with stupid shit like that since, geez, I was 18. Now at 31, I just have no tolerance for it, so when one of those old school friends came to me with a juvenile situation I thought, why?

Why do they continue to surround and wrap themselves up in it? It's like same problems, same drama, just different people and the cycle never ends, they never get out of it. The gossip, the sleeping around with each other that results in fights, jealousy, passive aggressive behavior. Even at 18 I found the drama inexcusable and fucking stupid. But that was the age range I was in, so there wasn't much I could do then. For people my age now, not to mention a few years older to be acting like juveniles... I'm just bewildered. Why deal with the annoyance and stress of it all?

I’ve listened to people say how much they value each others friendships yet come to me and talk shit behind their back. Oh if they only knew the things I know..

The people that think they're my best friends really arn't. Not because I've led them to believe they are, they just think in telling me all their personal bullshit that makes them MY best friend. The thing they don’t realize though, in spilling all their most intimate details, they fail to ever ask me how I am. I'm nothing more than a soundoff board to them. I might drop a little a hint, a mention of something not too important in my life that they might feel is, just to see if they bite, 95% of them don't.

I mention work, me going out the other night, but everything is on the surface. They don't know that in the last 6 months I met a guy I thought I could love and he broke my heart, that I have a new car, a nephew or neice on the way, that I drive my mom crazy sometimes because "you're too much like your dad", that even years later I'm still not over the loss of my father so much so that I have anxiety attacks every couple of weeks, and that months later I'm sickened to say I'm still not fully over the dickbag who dropkicked my heart. So many things, so little friends, too much time to think about it all..

Ducking out..
You know those moments where you're in a potential sticky situation, that could cause future problems down the road? Yeah I was in one of those just recently. Someone was being a bit too friendly that shouldn't have been, but he's one of those flirty type people. I let the situation go, thinking that maybe I'm just being too uptight, but there's a reason why people always say "trust your instincts", and sure enough it wasn't me having a stick up my ass.

I thought about it, sure, the person was uber cute. Would there be a fallout after, more than likely. Would my girlfriends have jumped at the chance, absolutely. Why didn't I do it? Because it's simply not me. I have a lot of "fuck it" moments in my life but not when it comes to things like that.

It was almost like a weird surreal moment. I was there in it, yet my mind was somewhere else on the outside, watching this person hit on me and saying "you know what can come from this". and that's when I made a conscious decision to not leave with this person, as he was not too happy. He's not used to being turned down in the least so I guess maybe it caught him off guard.

For the fuck of it, I should've just gone home with him and had a ball. But again, that's not me. I keep thinking since I never went through a slut phase, now that I've entered my 30's that it's bound to kick in at any moment, but maybe not. It's never been me. I'm not saying every person I've had an encounter with was someone I planned on marrying, everyone has their scandelous moments me included. But I'm an extremely private person. Only the less than a handful of close friends ever know what's going on in my life on a personal level.

Now that I'm 100% sober..yeah, I'm glad that even a few Guinness' into my night I was still able to come to that decision.

Back to high school
All I have to say is UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE.

Not only has my crush turned into a crash it's turning into a minor localized disaster. It's like an oil spill that's causing residual effects...

So crush guy doesn't like me anymore, fine. But something has his ass so chapped that he seems to hate me. What it is, I don't know, he won't tell me. Evidently it's to the point where he wants his friends to stop talking to me. Okay are we in high school again?

Now that's ridiculous in itself. What really gets me is that one of his friends is actually adhering to this!

Here's my beef. I'm not saying I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and that his friend should stick up for me, but it's just the principal, whether it was me or anyone else. Who has friends that tell them what to do, who they can talk to, and try and control their lives? That's the DUMBEST fucking shit I've ever heard of in my life.

If one of my friends came to me and tried to say you can be friends with this person but not that person I would tell them to go fuck themselves. NO ONE tells me what to do and none of my closest friends would ever ask me to do such a thing. They love me for who I am and that includes the respect of choosing who I involve in my life.

This group of men, who I thought were such great people, so sweet so generous, now I see they're nothing more than a bunch of 16 year old bitches who bicker with each other, and cut each other off from time to time over the dumbest things.

Now here's what REALLY gets me. This "friend" of crush guy, who has decided to stop talking to me. This is the same person who I've sat on the phone with for hours at a time, listening to him pour his heart out about problems with his family, women, hell even "crush guy" who is supposed to be one of his best friends. And I sat there on the phone, listening and giving advice unconditionally. I really did care about the friend. He's a sweet, good hearted guy, I absolutely adored him, and he KNOWS that I did nothing wrong to cause the craziness that "crush guy" is unleashing on me.

I've been a better friend to him in the last 4 months that "crush guy" yet he can't even stand neutral on this, he's dropped me like a hot potato just cuz "crush guy" said jump. Deleting my posts, knocking me off his myspace friends list. What a fucking pussy! Again, I'm not asking him to stand up for my honor, he should stand up for the principal of it all and not wanting to be controlled by anyone especially someone who is supposed to be his best friend.

Whatever issues "crush guy" may have with me are with ME. It doesn't and shouldn't involve anyone else and I don't think the "friend" understands that by adhering to this stupid request he's getting himself involved.

It's like watching someone get blamed for something when you know damn well they're totally innocent. That just really hurts my feelings, especially when he knows I did nothing wrong. :-(

Circus life...
Yes another major change from the last entry. The crush turned into a crash. I'm still shaking my head in disbelief.

In a nutshell, he needed space, I gave it to him. We didn't talk for 2 months then out of nowhere he bitches me out in an email about this duffel bag of his that I have, and basically tells me he's going to destroy any friendships I have with our mutual friends. I read this email at work and almost started crying. I was totally blown away and wondered what was going on in his mind to make him suddenly hate me, or what happened to set him off.

I never got that answer because in replying to the email I just got an even nastier email in return. I tried to dig and find out where the hostility was coming from but he was just angry and even the nice things I said to him, which I meant sincerely, were completely overlooked. It hurts that someone I care so much about hates me, and I wish I knew why. But I know to try and find out just means more nasty words from him, which will only hurt me.

I don't understand how people can fight constantly yet stay together. Not normal healthy fighting but REAL verbal abuse. How can people forgive such harsh words? I can't. I thought about holding onto the bag and trying to explain and mend the situation, however I don't think he wants to even be friends. Something is really pissing him off, I have no idea what it is, and it seems the more I tried to ask, the more angry he got. He obviously doesn't want to have any thing do to with me and after 2 devastating emails, I knew I was done. I just can't do the emotional tennis match, it hurts too much, and I can't drag it out, so I gave the bag to a mutual friend and have washed my hands of the situation.

He's supposed to be out here now, who knows if he is. Sucks, I haven't liked someone that much in a really long time. I mean you can meet someone and say yeah they're kind of cool, but he really got my sense of humor. Not just got it, but shared it, and I think a part of me started to love him. Man this fucking sucks. It's not even a clean break because we have mutual friends. Who knows when I'll see him again, but I just hope I'm over all this mess when I do.

As for work, it's almost over. I need to find a new show to get on and I think I'm done with Production. I want to move into the audio department. It's more money, less hours, and it's more of what I'm into. I could give a fuck about logistics.

Oh and I did walk out with a new car, well sort of. A 2003 Rav 4 that's barely been used. I love it. I had wanted one for a long time and I can't believe that I was able to sweet talk the dealership into giving me one, not to mention trading in my overheating piece of shit car as well.

I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted right now. Even if I had all the money in the world, I don't even know that I'd go anywhere because I honestly am in the mood for nothing right now...

New crushes, ghetto cars and no sleep..
Damn I keep forgetting I have this thing!

It's always exciting when you meet someone new, especially for me since I'm uber picky :-) We met on April fools day of all days. I'm not going to spill all the details but I will say I really like him alot. He has a rare quality that most men lack, HE CALLS. This boy can cackle like a hen. But there's no guy bullshit, no games, and he makes me laugh. And the craziest thing of all, from a physical aspect he's totally my type! Who would've thought all my favorite things could be wrapped up so beautifully in a sarcastic tattoed bow? He's a sweetheart and continues to amaze me everyday. No I'm not pulling some J-Lo "lets get married after knowing each other 5 minutes" bullshit. All I'm saying is so far, so VERY good and I'm enjoying getting to know him better. But long distance sucks, and it doesn't help that I'm about to start production on a show that will completely consume my life for most of the summer. I miss him already. :-(

On a shitter note my car is a pile of shit and I need to get a new one Saturday. Do I have the money for a new car? Of course not, that's where my stress comes into play oh and the fact that my car overheats to and from work. I'm just gonna go to the dealship determined to drive out with a car on MY terms. I know if I walk in believing, NOT hoping but BELIEVING that, then it will happen.

No sleep is my job, which will kick into full gear at the end of May. Television production is rough, I've debated getting into another industry but I love what I do. Sometimes I hate that I'm so damn ambitious and wonder if I'll ever get to a point where I'm satisfied with my career. I wish I could be content working a 9-5 job at some insurance company and living in fucking Riverside somewhere but I can't, oh well..

I'm UBER stressed about the car and the job right now, but I've been through worse. I know I'll get through it somehow I always do.

Letting go..
So over the last few weeks I've just started getting back into listening to The Beatles.

My entire Beatles CD collection is being held hostage in a storage unit by my ex along with all the Star Wars figures I've ever collected. I won't get into details but basically he owes me money, was afraid since I had a key that I might sell some of his stuff so he's locked me out of our unit.

I was livid at first, tried to call him, blah blah, with no success. I was so mad that I couldn't even bear listening to any Beatles song because it would just remind me of what was in that unit, that is if he hasn't taken it for himself.

Now for those of you that know me, know that I'm psychotic about The Beatles and to say I love their music is a major understatement. So finally it occurred to me, this is something I love so much, decades before that douchebag ever came into my life, so why should I give that up for him?

Of course it still bugs me, but I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted from hating him. I just can't do it anymore. The CD's collectively are costly, but replacable, and I have to get used to the fact that I'll probably never see those things again. But that's life and fucked up things have to happen (some obviously more than others) to make us appreciate the good things. So far I've only accumulated 1/4 of the collection I once had, but as I gain another album it's like discovering them all over again.

A wrinkle in time...
So for the last few years I've always wanted to have a chronicled book of my adventures in Hollywood during the whole Sunset Strip scene. Not for publishing reasons really, but just something I've always wanted to have for myself. So yesterday I got off my ass and finally started putting it together.

I grabbed my journals and started skimming through the early 90's, about 1990-1993. Wow what fun times! The Glamour Punks, The Brats, Beautiful Destruction, Faster Pussycat, Blackboard Jungle! What a time my friends, well those of you from old school Hollywood who know what I'm talking about..

Funny the interpretation "a night at the Rainbow". Mine consisted of diving into a pot of steamed clams, while others dove into a pile of..well...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

I do look at my journals quite often but I usually skip around to fun events. However I know if I want this book to be accurate I'm going to have to go through everything, including things I may not want to remember and that's what happened last night.

One thing about my journals, I'm very detailed and I never EVER lie in them. It's the one place where I can put true events and my true thoughts on those events and quite honestly my friends, I was a bit shocked at some of the things I was reading. There were so many things I had forgotten about, both good things and bad things and it freaked me out a little. And NO I don't have small animals and children buried in my backyard..

On a lighter note, in the midst of my time travel, I came across an entry about my old friend Lance who I met back in my early "Trapjaw" years when I had braces. The last time I saw him was about 4 years ago and he gave me his number. I realized I still had it so I called and to my surprise it was still his number! I was totally blown away and I think he was too, it was great talking to him and I think it was exactly what I needed, to bring a bit of light on a rather melancholy night.

I want to continue working on the story though, even though I'm having mixed emotions over reading some of the entries. It's weird, not only just reading events, but what was going through my mind at the time, the words I used, what was important to me at that time. It's so funny to see how much I've changed!

Now at 31, for me to say, hmm what was I doing on this day when I was 21? How about when I was 18, what about 16 when I had to use my sisters ID to get into clubs? To be able to go back and read some of those things is pretty mindblowing. What a wonderful crazy world my friends..

After the holidays...
Happy New Year everyone!

Such hijinks to report on my friends. Where do I start? Well during mid Dec I went crazy and bought a last minute ticket to New York! I hadn't been there for 5 years. No I didn't blow off my family. We usually celebrate on the eve and do nothing but recover on Xmas day so I did just that. Saw the fam on Xmas Eve, then caught a 6am flight out Xmas day!!

I did set a record for the degree of cold I've EVER felt in my life. It was about 20 during the day and one night when we were walking home from a bar it was 8 and windy! I walked outside drunk and still said what the FUCK is this shit about?

Anyhow I had an awesome time. I woke up every morning, got some breffy and took a train into the city, yes I did it everyday, all by myself and didn't get lost once. I must've lived there in a past life. It feels like home and I just have a weird since of direction there, I just know where to go. Anyhow it was exactly what I needed. I fucking hate Xmas and didn't want to be home. I think I would've been really depressed had I stayed in LA. I might have to make this a yearly thing!

The man front is weird actually. Met a few cute, really nice guys but I'm just not into them. I usually have to have a spark with someone, otherwise I don't bother. There's no sparkin my friends, just crickets and tumbleweeds on this end. So strange, so this is what it's like to not have a boyfriend? It's kind of nice what is everyone bitching about? It's not THAT bad..

There is one guy I like, but I think it's just a case of temporary hysteria. Yeah he's cute, he's nice, but he's also someone I knew 12 years ago. I signed up on those buddy network things ages ago but I never used them until last week. I found Mr. Back In The Day is still very cute but in all honesty we probably have only shared less than a handful of conversations. One being when I was 19 going through my 60/70's fashion craze, he complimented me on some Brady esque hip huggers I was wearing. We both smiled, he walked away and I ran away squealing like a happy pig. Although we hung out in the same small knit group of people it was more like an "admire him from afar" type of crush.

Anyhow I saw him through one of those buddy networks, requested to be added to his friend list and he added me. I was shocked because I really didn't think he'd remember me. Or the reality is he probably just saw i was a girl who knew all the same people he did, wanted to bump up his number of friends and added me without even thinking about it. Maybe I was just looking for someone to crush on and because nothing ever happened with him is why he suddenly has become the object of my affections. Lets see what happens...


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