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I keep forgetting I have this livejournal, then every few months, something snaps and I find myself coming back here.

In the last few weeks I've taken a look at the people around me and decided it's time to start cutting the fat, with one girl in particular that I will call "Lee."

She's never been a close friend, but a friend I've had for 15 years. I've always known she's a bit snarky, what girl isn't sometimes? But I've come to realization that she is poison.

I started dating a guy in a semi famous band, it just kind of happened. I didn't really tell anyone about it because for one, I NEVER discuss my personal life except with my 2 closest friends, of which she is neither, and secondly because he's in a known band, I'm even more adamant about keeping that part of my life private.

Lee is like a high maintenance plant. She needs constant attention, she has to be the girl with the most cake. If you make 50k a year, she will say she makes 60k, if you say you're dating Mick Jagger, she will say she's dating Paul McCartney, even if none of these things are true. You can NEVER have more than what she has, even if she has to lie about it which she usually does.

In dating this guy, set Lee off. She has no one in her life right now, her and I were not fighting, she needed to vent her frustration over not dating someone who is "more popular" than he is, so in turn he's the only card she can play against me. Apparently she "knows" people who know him, and I better get off my pedestal if I think I'm the only one, blah blah.

Funny that I've been seeing him for a year and in ALL that time she never mentioned all her ties to him before. Strange huh?

I can take someone saying I'm bitchy. I can be at times and we all get irritated with each other at some point, it's natural, but she said some pretty venomous things about me with no other intention than to hurt me.

Why would I want someone in my life like that?

I'm not an angel. I can be selfish and snarky at times. But I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone. If I'm cheated on, I leave. I'm not plotting revenge, if you lie to me, I cut you out of my life. I'm very black and white about those things.

I believe in the law of attraction and that negative thoughts and behavior bring only negative things to your life. It's exhausting to hate someone and I prefer to focus on the things I can change, NOT the things I can't.

She is a 40 year old woman, she will NEVER change. I think because I've known her for so long is why I kept her in my life, but there are people with 15 year old drug habits, does that mean they should continue on that same path too?

I have so many good things happening in my life. I'm about to start a new job next week, I have good friends coming into town, I'm going to NYC for Xmas which always calms my heart. I am healthy, the weather is beautiful, I can see and hear and walk and smell. I give thanks everyday for the simple as well as big things that come into my life.

Lee's negativity is like a whirlpool, when she thinks she's taking a step ahead of someone or on them, she's really just been spinning in circles for 40 years and will continue to spin because she fuels that storm with her hate, her jealousy and negativity.

Boo friggin hoo...
Damn I just went over the last few entries, anybody want to jump off a bridge? Geez, talk about a poster child for slitting your wrists.

I'm still a bit stressed about things, but it's getting better. I think I just make myself stress over the dumbest things. The job situation is almost taken care of, got a new roommate who hasn't slit my throat yet, and the remnants of my feelings for dickbag are just about gone.

You know where you get to a point where you get sick and tired of being, well sick & tired? I was annoying the crap out of myself, how funny is that? It's like boo friggin who already, especially the dickbag situation. Me still having feelings about him is like being bummed about Beta max players not being around anymore, both being so 100 years ago, but I have a big heart what can I say haha!

No I'm not completely transformed and skipping through a field picking flowers and kissing puppies, I'll always be cynical, but I've realized life is really what you make of it, and although I love my friends and family dearly, really the only person who is gonna look out for me, is me :) WOO!!

Mind body connection..
I never believed in it until my father passed away. I held in all the pain I was feeling till it affected me physically and I suffered the most excrutiating back pain I've ever felt in my life, and I'm a fortunate person who never gets headaches, cramps, backpain, nothin, until that happened.

Now the last month or so I've been having heart problems. I consulted my good friend Keith who's had nothing but heart problems since birth. My symptoms? Well since September I've had 3 episodes where I feel dizzy and heart starts beating like a drumroll. This only lasts for a few minutes then it goes away. Aside from that mess, over the last 4-6 weeks I've had sporatic heart palpitations, my heart skips a beat, does a double beat, it's all over the place.

At first Keith can't explain the palpations, but that my drumroll episodes sound like an anxiety attack. I think that's crazy. So I go to a doctor and go through the works, EKG, blood work and everything turns out fine. Fucking great $300 later >:o(

Now here's where it gets psychological. After hearing my tests are fine, Keith diagnoses the whole thing in 15 minutes flat. That guy should be a friggin doctor...

He says it's stress, I say who cares, everyone has stress. Now what has changed in the last 4-6 weeks he asks?? I realize only one thing, Dickbag and I started talking again. I won't get into his personal business but a close family member is ill, an unreversable ill. Something I went through with the passing of my father, which *lightbulb* is the only time my stress has affected me physically. I can deal with my own pain but to have someone I love hurting just kills me, it breaks my heart to know he's going through something horrible that I went through.

I figure how can I be stressing over Dickbags relative who I've met only once? That's where genius Keith digs deeper. He says my anxiety comes from worrying about Dickbag, what he's going through, and what's probably happening is because it's a situation I've been through, it's indirectly bringing out old stress related to my father which again, was the only time my emotions affected me physically.


Maybe I'm just completely crazy and have a strange heart condition that can not be detected physically nor explained psychologically...

Keiths advice? Put my energy into the things I can change. There's nothing I can do for dickbag except let him know I'm there for him. Emotionally it was breaking my heart and now to an extent it's happening physically too so I need to chill the fuck out. Easier said than done...

Bah humbug...
I hate the fucking holidays and they're rapidly approaching. I'm hoping they'll go by in a flash. It's almost like knowing that band aid has to come off and you're trying to tear it off as fast as you can. I think I'm more cranky that I won't be in New York for Xmas.

So I do have New Years plans. I'm not really excited about them, it's a house party, I'm going with a friend. Won't really know anyone else there. In all honesty I probably shouldn't admit it, but I'd be happier sitting at a house with dickbag. I know things are pretty bad with his family right now and I just want to be there for him. It's really hard to watch someone you love go through such a hard time, especially when it's something you've been through before. It breaks my heart to know he's going through what I went through. :(

He has a tendency to shut people out, but I'm used to that. One of my best friends is very much like that as well. All I can do is let him know that I'm there for him and just remind him of that every chance I get. Yeah I do still care about him as more than a friend, duh. Yeah I'm retarded. It takes so much for me to like a person and once I do I'm like a barnacle. However my head is in control of the situation now. I know what I'm dealing with now and I'm definitely not an emotional masochist.

So far from where we've been..I know we're cool..
So it's the day after...

Dickbag played 2 shows. Overall I'm generally happy. The first night he actually came up to me, gave me a big hug,kiss on the cheek and said he was glad I came to the show..hmmph..

It's a bit melancholy, because he was the sweet person that I first met. He's always been that person but he's just fucked up in the head. And until he's willing to take responsiblity for his actions I really can't get caught up in all that again. Yeah this is all over one email, should I let it go? No, because again, I can't forget words. He didn't say anything devastatingly horrible, but it wasn't pleasant that's for sure. Even though my anger is over that one email, he needs to know it was wrong. But over the last few days I realized sometimes you have to learn to accept people for what they are, the good and the bad. And if you can't well then obviously they shouldn't be in your life, and I don't know that dickbag will ever change. I do know that I do always want him in my life.

He seems to run hot and cold, it's either 100% or 0, there seems to be no inbetween with him. I do want us to be friends because he's a great guy and I want things to be copasetic since we have mutual friends, but as I said before. I can't even begin to forgive him till he apologizes but he's one of those people who just won't. I don't think he knows how to say "i'm sorry". Once he hugged me though, alot of my anxiety dropped off and we smiled at each other and it was just kind of a mutual understanding.

He had to drive to his family in San Diego both nights, but his band stayed with me on the first night. I still don't know how that came about but it was fun. Last night they decided to head back to the Bay Area after the show. I would imagine they're comatose right about now..

Overall, I am happy. I am happy that things are somewhat cool between me and dickbag and I wasn't sure that would happen until we faced each other. Who knows what will happen next, but at least I know what I'm dealing with now.

I dunno...
So tomorrow dickbag comes to town to play 2 shows. We've swapped some emails over the last few days and things seem to be copasetic. However I still have a bit of anxiety about seeing him. I haven't seen him since everything feel apart with us in July. It's not so much that I'm worried about how he'll act towards me, it's just seeing him at all. Whether he's talking to some slutty girl, or me, or if he drinks an apple martini or just smiles it's going to break my heart either way. I just really didn't want to see him till I was 100% over this mess, but I guess everything happens for reason. Britt will be down here as well so I'm definitely excited to see him.

There's some other shit going on with some friends of mine. It just involves a passive aggressive/bragging type person and they've been in overdrive lately. This person seems to not like me having a friendship with a certain someone, and I think it's cuz the bragger has a crush on said person. Naturally this person is SO not interested in the bragger, other than just a friendship. Unfortunately said person made a comment saying I was cute, so now the bragger wants to use passive aggressive ways to punish me for it. They keep throwing things in my face that I don't even care about and I'm just like geez get some self esteem. You wanna brag and feel you have more than me? Fine tell me you've got a date with Johnny Depp, THEN you'll see me seeing with jealousy, otherwise I could a fuck. I think I'm going to have to cut some people off for a while...

koo koo ga joob...
Everyone is fucking crazy let me just start by saying that...

So I end up going to a bar last night with a few girlfriends. My snugglebuddy was there as well cuz he was working upstairs. As I mentioned before, he's a sweetheart, a good friend, but he's a little dirty birdy. He banged one of the waitresses, and she's crazy over him, like koo koo and a half. She keeps stopping by our table and leaving little gifts like flashing bottlecaps and candy, just to be in his vicinity, I find it amusing..

So Snuggles goes upstairs to work, I stay with my girlfriends and have some more drinks. I walk up to the bar to close out my tab. I swear I was gone no more than 5 minutes tops when I realized I left my jacket at the table. I go back and it's gone, then koo koo comes up to me and says she already took my jacket upstairs! Now again, I left the table for 2 seconds, and in that time she took my jacket and ran it upstairs as an excuse to see Snuggles. She should've stopped by the kitchen to pick up the boiling pot of water and a rabbit as well...

the holidays...
Hmm, I guess I'll be staying in LA for Xmas, well unless I have emotional drama at which point I'll just hop a plane to NYC, which could very well happen. I'm not happy about staying here, but I think it's best if I do.

I need to focus on the positive and stop being so damn pessimistic. One of the great things is actually myspace. No I don't use it as a meat market, but it has brought back alot of great people into my life. Alot of old school people like my girls Jez & Elise, they are like my old war buddies and it's great to see they're doing good. Another being Britt, I can't even say enough about this guy, the biggest heart in the fucking world you can't help but gravitate towards him. I do love all my friends dearly but there is a tiny group that I do suffer withdrawls from if I don't see them regularly and Britt is one of those people.

Another great thing that happened was the person I had my snugglefest with. I just met him this year, and I'm already getting attached to him, just in a plutonic way. He's good people, he's got a good heart and not at all what people percieve him to be. I can only hope our friendship grows stronger from here.

Ugh, did I mention I want to go to NYC for Xmas? Britt says if I'm going to spend $300 for xmas, I should buy a new IPOD haha, I love Britt..

Snuggle buddy...
Sometimes it's nice to sleep with someone and not SLEEP with them. If that makes any sense..

Sometimes through all the bullshit, people just need an emotional massage. Someone to hold them, and to listen to them. Listen to them vent about very personal things as well as nonsense, just to be comfortable sitting on a couch with someone and shooting the shit...

I had an unintentional snugglefest with someone just like that recently. No there was no kissing, no sex, it was all very Wonder Years. I think what blows me away is that this guy is young, extremely good looking, girls slobber over him constantly. He does indulge in that, I won't lie. But he's got a good heart, he's a sweetheart and he said the most interesting thing while we were snuggled up together. "Sometimes it's good not to be lonely." I had this melancholy feeling come over me when he said that. I guess even if you're in a room full of people who constantly tell you you're beautiful and fabulous, that sometimes you can still feel completely alone.

Anyhow, it was nice. Completely plutonic and very sweet, no we're not hooking up. It was never about that. I just think it was very sweet moment that we had, almost like we had found this common ground, and will just make our friendship stronger. I heart him dearly...

I'd give u everything I've got for a little piece of mind...
Wow could it be a positive journal entry, I never thought I'd see the day..

It actually comes under rather random sad circumstances though, go figure.

I've been having anxiety about dickbag coming out here for the show in 2 weeks. Well I just found out today there were health problems in his family, pretty severe. So I sent dickbag an email just to let him know my thoughts were with him. I'm a stubborn mule but when it comes to sickness in the immediate family, that pretty much supercedes anything.

I didn't expect a reply, I just wanted him to know that I cared and if he needed to talk I was there for him. To my surprise a short time later I got a very sweet email back from him, he also included a joke at my expense (this is normal) and with that one email the last 5 months of anxiety has finally been put to rest.

No we're not getting back together, everything is not 100% resolved, hell this doesn't even make us friends. Since we have mutual friends I don't want things to be weird, I want to keep things copasetic at the very least and right now it's just a little bit better than that, that's all I really wanted.

He'll never apologize for the mean email, I accepted that a long time ago. I also accepted that he's not a bad person. He has a heart of gold, and the person I care for so deeply is still there, BUT he's fucked up. Fucked up in the head, and no amount of caring on my part, his family or his friends is going to change that. It's all in his head and once he learns to truly love and be secure with himself is when he will genuinely be happy.

Am I still attached to him? Yes, but that will fade with time, it's already started. Soon KISS will just be a band I grew up listening to, and movies like Officespace and Swingers won't make me sad anymore. Those days are coming, and it'll be great to look back at these memories without sadness :)


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